homecoming

yello, i'm janelle. and this has been a long time coming.

i've spent the last few weeks on linkedin and instagram writing about the people who shaped me. teachers who saw something in me i hadn't yet seen in myself. friends who sat with me in the dark. mentors who believed i had something worth offering. even the relationships and heartbreaks that cracked me wide open.

but i kept leaving out the most important part. me.

so here it is.

when i came back to singapore after my divorce, i went quiet. no more posting. no more showing up. i shut myself down from the world i used to know, including my family. the divorce felt like a secret i had to carry, and a failure i couldn't let anyone see. even though there was a family home on paper, i had nowhere that actually felt safe. so i sought shelter where i could, and slowly, quietly, started working on myself.

finding the right therapist wasn't straightforward. it took a few tries and a few wrong fits before i met my psychologist. and when i finally sat in her room, something shifted. i had spent so long armoring up that i didn't even realize how heavy it all was. when she looked at me and said, "janelle, you are safe now," i broke down completely. that was the moment the door opened.

what followed were some of the most painful, raw, and illuminating years of my life. i started meeting parts of myself i had been denying, or didn't even know existed.

the child who never felt celebrated enough at home. the child who was just quietly proud of her little cardboard ship and wanted to play and have fun. the adult who kept looking for belonging in all the wrong places.

even with ongoing therapy, life kept happening. difficult relationships. a diagnosis that finally gave a name to what i had been carrying for years. depression. working with both my psychologist and a psychiatrist, i learned to remove the shame around that word and slowly, slowly, started finding my way out of the woods.

somewhere in that season, i asked myself a question that changed things: if i could re-parent myself, and stop blaming everyone including my parents, what would i most want to do?

so i started learning. dancing. painting. pottery. music. all the things i had always wanted to explore but had been waved off with "cannot make money" or "what are you doing that for." i threw myself into all of it.

and yet.

the painting was beautiful. but it didn't feel like me. the pottery was satisfying. but something was missing. the bachata and salsa steps were fun. but it wasn't what i wanted to express. i could sing my heart out. but i'm not a singer. i was good at so many things, and somehow that made it worse. because none of it felt right. and i was still struggling in ways that mattered most.

at my lowest point, i did the unthinkable. even with all the support i had built around me, i still went to that place. it is something i am still careful about how i share, but i'm including it here because it is part of the truth. and because if you've ever been in a place like that, i want you to know you are not alone in it.

(if anything here stirs something heavy, please don't sit with it alone. samaritans of singapore are available 24 hours at 1767.)

after that, something in me shifted into a different kind of searching.

i found myself asking questions i couldn't stop asking. what is the difference between making art and using art as therapy? between creating something beautiful and creating something honest? i started doing sessions with expressive arts therapists. symbol work. sand play. painting without trying to control the outcome. drawing without anyone interpreting my work into something i didn't mean.

something started to shift.

i enrolled in a certificate in expressive therapies. then the graduate diploma in expressive arts therapy which i completed my final lesson just last week.

in one of my assignments, i was asked to reflect on my artistic journey. and i realized that i had been creating my whole life. a ship i built from cardboard and leaves i picked up off the ground. portraits that actually looked like people. journals i filled page after page, just to have somewhere to put my thoughts that no one else could touch. creativity was always there, even when i didn't have a name for what i was doing or why it helped.

the difference i now understand is this: when i was taking pottery or painting classes, the focus was always on the outcome. a beautiful bowl. a finished canvas. technique, technique, technique. expressive arts therapy is different. it's in the process where something unlocks. you don't have to be skilled. you just have to be willing to show up and let whatever comes, come.

and through that process, i've come to understand something about myself too. i'm not one single version of myself. some days i'm bruce banner, quietly holding everything together. some days i'm the hulk, all that feeling and nowhere to put it. some days i'm wanda, carrying grief while still trying to build something beautiful. the work i'm doing now is about learning to let all those parts exist. not fighting them. integrating them.

i'm not a superhero, yet. but i'm learning what my superpowers actually are. (honestly, i'm starting to think i already know.)

along the way, i've met some truly wonderful souls who made the harder parts more bearable. i didn't go through this alone, even when it felt like i did. and somewhere in the middle of all that healing, ur soul toast came to life.

ur soul toast is a space with no judgment and no fixing. a place to rest, look inward safely, and reconnect with yourself through expression and creative exploration. maybe with a cup of coffee and some toast along the way (later la), because i firmly believe in keeping the tummy happy.

starting this month, i'm holding weekly sound baths and monthly circles. gentle, intentional spaces. you don't need any experience or any particular mood. you just need to show up.

i'm also working toward a professional therapist path, though i'm taking that one step at a time. what i know for sure is that this work matters. and that everything i've lived through has been preparing me for it.

if any part of this resonates, i'd love for you to join me. details are coming soon, or just reach out directly (ursoultoasted@gmail.com / IG: @ursoultoasted). i'm here.

this journey is still unfolding. i'm finally brave enough to say it out loud.